Every leader encounters conflict. In fact, conflict is a part of life, whether it’s at work, at school, or at home. And one of the biggest reasons for conflict is when there’s a gap between expectations and reality. So, how do you resolve the conflict in an effective and healthy manner?
We find a really practical strategy on conflict resolution in the book of Acts chapter 15. In this passage, a conflict arises between Paul and Barnabas and some men from Judea. The conflict is over a Jewish religious practice that existed under the Old Covenant that was abolished when, through Jesus, a New Covenant was established. But these men from Judea are trying to impose this old religious practice onto the Gentiles.
Needless to say, this difference of opinion became a point of conflict in the early church. So, Paul and Barnabas head to Jerusalem to meet with the apostles and elders of the church to resolve this issue. And from this meeting, we discover seven keys to resolve conflict.
1. SEEK UNDERSTANDING
Acts 15:7a says, “At the meeting, after a long discussion…” Why did these leaders have a long discussion? Because they needed to create space to hear both sides of the issue. In other words, a long discussion made room to gain understanding.
Author Stephen Covey said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” But what do we like to do? We like to seek first to make our point, so then they’ll understand. But that rarely works. You don’t gain understanding with answers. You gain understanding with questions.
2. BEGIN WITH COMMON GROUND
Acts 15:7 says, “At the meeting, after a long discussion, Peter stood and addressed them as follows: “Brothers, you all know that God chose me from among you some time ago to preach to the Gentiles so that they could hear the Good News and believe.”
Peter established common ground. He said, “You all know.” But again, we like to begin with what I know rather than what we know. But that approach burns the very bridges that would allow us to resolve the conflict.
John Maxwell calls it The 101% Principle. He says, “Find the 1% that you agree on, and give it 100% of your effort.” In other words, start with common ground. Start with what you both know to be true.
3. ARTICULATE THE FACTS WITHOUT EMOTION
Acts 15:8 says, “God knows people’s hearts, and he confirmed that he accepts Gentiles by giving them the Holy Spirit, just as he did to us.”
Peter begins by sharing some basic facts, but he does so without emotion. Again, how we handle conflict reveals our level of maturity. If you handle conflict wisely, calmly, and with self-control, then you are being mature in how you handle it. But if you handle conflict in a harsh, demeaning, or uncontrolled manner, then you are only revealing your immaturity.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.” Articulate the facts without emotion.
4. ACKNOWLEDGE ONE ANOTHER’S VALUE
Acts 15:9 says, “He made no distinction between us and them, for he cleansed their hearts through faith.”
Jews in Jesus’ day had issues with the Gentiles because they wouldn’t conform to Jewish rules. So, what does Peter—who was a Jew—do in this situation? He acknowledges the gentiles’ value, because God acknowledged their value.
If you want the other person to value your opinion more than you value them as a person, you will only escalate the conflict. Every person on planet earth was made in the image of God, including the person you’re having the most conflict with right now.
5. ADDRESS THE REAL ISSUE
Acts 15:10-11 says, “So why are you now challenging God by burdening the Gentile believers with a yoke that neither we nor our ancestors were able to bear? We believe that we are all saved the same way, by the undeserved grace of the Lord Jesus.
Peter’s not hurling accusations here. Instead, he’s putting his finger on the real issue at hand. This is the part of conflict resolution that is easy to ignore. This is where we so often talk AROUND the issue, rather than addressing the issue at hand.
How do you address the real issue wisely? You have to speak the truth in the tone of grace. Truth without grace is mean. Grace without truth is meaningless. When you speak truth in the tone of grace, people can more easily digest it.
6. LISTEN WITHOUT INTERRUPTING
Acts 15:12 says, “Everyone listened quietly as Barnabas and Paul told about the miraculous signs and wonders God had done through them among the Gentiles.”
Several years ago, I was sitting in a meeting with a group of leaders from a wide variety of backgrounds, organizations, and life experiences. These were sharp people who desired to make a meaningful contribution. But the longer I sat in the meeting, the more I made an observation: the people who talked the most had the least to say. In fact, the more they spoke, the less credible they became.
Solomon warned us about this very issue when he said, “Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions” (Proverbs 18:2). And in verse 13 he said, “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.”
When you begin with the posture of listening, then you earn the privilege to speak. And that’s exactly what happened in Acts 15:13-15a: “When they had finished, James stood and said, “Brothers, listen to me. Peter has told you about the time God first visited the Gentiles to take from them a people for himself. And this conversion of Gentiles is exactly what the prophets predicted.”
James spent all his time up until this point listening without interrupting. And after he had listened carefully, he was then able to say with respect and credibility, “Brothers, listen to me.”
Author and professor David W. Augsburger said: “Being heard is so close to being loved, that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” Listen without interrupting.
7. AGREE ON A SENSIBLE SOLUTION
Acts 15:19 says, “And so my judgment is that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God.” James wasn’t giving the Gentiles a free pass to do whatever they wanted, but on this issue, he presents a solution that was both sensible and biblical.
As you implement these seven keys, I believe you’ll become much more effective at resolving conflict in a healthy way.
by Stephen Blandino Pastor | Author | Coach | Podcaster
Leaders today are hitting personal and organizational lids that are preventing them from reaching their vision. I speak, coach, and write to help motivated pastors and leaders maximize personal growth and build thriving churches and organizations.
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