Minda Zetlin
Are you good at starting conversations with people you don't know? If you're like most people, trying to strike up a conversation with a stranger feels awkward and uncomfortable. And if you do work up the nerve to go up to a stranger and start a conversation, you may be stuck trying to figure out what to say.
While I can't take away the awkward feeling that talking to strangers can bring up, I can help with the question of what to say. As a journalist who's interviewed thousands of strangers over more than 30 years, I've found some simple techniques can help get a dialogue going smoothly.
A great way to start is by picking a conversational opener that will likely make the other person want to engage with you and talk to you. These four categories of openers almost always work for me.
1. Mention a shared experience.
Even if you've never met someone, you almost always can reference some experience the two of you have shared or are sharing.
If you're at a conference, you can ask, "How's the conference going for you so far?"
If someone just gave a particularly inspiring keynote or the venue is unusual in some way, mentioning either of those things is a great way to start a conversation.
This is also the reason that weather has become such an overused topic of conversation that "talk about the weather" is shorthand for avoiding difficult subjects. Even so, talking about the weather is often an effective conversation starter because if you and someone else are in the same geographic place, the weather is an experience you're both sharing. So, "Wow, what a beautiful day," or "Geeze, it's really freezing out there," are great conversational openers.
2. Give someone a compliment.
Research suggests that human beings are susceptible to flattery, even on an unconscious level. We tend to like and want to believe people who recognize how smart (or attractive, or funny, or likable) we are. So, if you can give someone a compliment, that's often a powerful way to start a conversation.
If you're at an event where they spoke onstage or asked a question from the audience, complimenting them on what they said is an easy way to get them to engage with you.
If they're wearing an unusual clothing item or accessory that you think looks good, then saying how much you like whatever it is a great way to get them to engage with you.
If you haven't met the person but you know their blog, for example, then praising something they wrote can be another great approach.
3. Offer help.
This only works in certain situations, but offering to help someone can be a great way to start a conversation.
If you're at an event and they don't have a program, offering to share yours can be a good way to engage someone.
Or offer to save their seat if they are stepping away temporarily.
Make sure your offer is appropriate and not intrusive, however.
4. Ask for something.
This may be the most powerful conversation opener of all. That's because of something called the Ben Franklin effect, a cognitive bias that causes us to like people who ask us for favors. Asking someone for something, if it's a request they can easily grant, is almost guaranteed to make them want to talk with you.
An especially easy way to use the Ben Franklin effect is by asking for information. You can ask where something is or who the next speaker is or almost anything they might be likely to know.
If you ask for their opinion or advice, that might be doubly effective because research also suggests that we tend to think people who ask for our advice are smart.
Next time you want to start a conversation with a stranger, pick an opener that fits one of these four categories. Before you know it, your conversation will be off to a great start.
FOR REFLECTION
How do you determine whether a compliment is genuine or could be perceived as flattery? What are the potential risks of giving compliments?
How can you use compliments effectively without coming across as insincere or manipulative?
What are some thoughtful ways to ask for someone's opinion or advice that show genuine interest and respect for their expertise?
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