We ALL share 3 core irrational beliefs that are at the root of our suffering.
APPROVAL—I must be approved of by others to be worthy.
JUDGMENT—Other people must meet my expectations in order to be worthy.
COMFORT—Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience.
These beliefs are like internal RULES that we have for how we, others, and the world “should” behave. The problem is that these rules are TOTALLY BOGUS.
If you’re tired of emotional stress and suffering, it’s time to rip those no-good beliefs out by the root! We looked at the first one, now here is the second one.
BELIEF #2: JUDGMENT—OTHER PEOPLE MUST DO “THE RIGHT THING” AND MEET MY EXPECTATIONS IN ORDER TO BE WORTHY.
Need: importance, superiority Fear: unfairness, disappointment Demands: I expect all significant others to treat me kindly and fairly, as well as act appropriately, and if they don’t, they are unworthy, rotten people who deserve to be punished
Symptoms: • Unrealistic expectations on others, including expecting them to be infallible, perfect • Assuming you are the sole authority on what is right and wrong • Assuming you have authority over others • Believing everyone else is responsible for catering to your needs
Emotional Consequences • Anger, rage or fury when others intentionally or unintentionally treat you poorly or unfairly or don’t meet your expectations • Impatience with others who make mistakes or aren’t perfect • Bitterness against others for not meeting your needs • Resentment toward others for being imperfect and especially for treating you unfairly or not meeting your needs
Behavioral Consequences • Aggression and violence as a way of punishing others for being inappropriate or not meeting expectations • Bigotry and intolerance of anyone who does not meet your definition of right and wrong • Bullying others to enforce your belief of the way others should behave or be • Nagging others to elicit the right action you expect and require
REPLACE WITH THIS BELIEF: Everyone, including myself, is imperfect, but we are all forgiven and been given grace from God. A grace He asks us to extend to ourselves and others.
False Sub-Belief: I should be concerned and upset about other people’s problems. • Consequence: Wasted energy while focused on other people’s problems rather than focusing on directing your own life. • Truth: Other people’s problems almost never have anything to do with you. Getting upset because someone else is upset or has a problem does not help them feel better or fix their problem.
False Sub-Belief: Everyone should treat each other, and especially me, in a fair, considerate manner or they should be punished. • Consequence: Harsh condemnation of and possible lashing out at anyone who does not treat you the way you want to be treated, which is your definition of fairness. • Truth: Not everyone has the same definition of fairness or being considerate, and therefore they may act differently than you would expect. you do not hold authority over other people and it is not your role to punish people for their behavior, but rather to extend God’s grace and forgiveness.
False Sub-Belief: People must be competent and act wisely and if not they have no value and should be punished. • Consequence: Shaming, criticizing, and rejecting others for mistakes, errors, or undeveloped abilities. • Truth: This hyper-judgment of others is what causes the cultural perpetuation of approval seeking behavior. Even if a person has a low level of competence, they still have innate value and dignity as a human being and are worthy of respect. Also, they are capable of learning, growing and improving.
Allow the grace of God to define your actions and inform your values. We have been shown amazing grace – PASS IT ON!
Adapted from an article by Joeel & Natalie Rivera
Joeel & Nataile are co-founders of Transformation Academy®, where they train leading-edge entrepreneurs, leaders and life coaches how to master their mindset and create a purpose-driven business. They have started more than a dozen businesses, and trained over 500,000 coaches from 200_ countries and territories. Joeel is a former psychology professor with a Master’s Degree in Counseling and Education is currently completing his dissertation on eudaemonic happiness for a Ph.D. in Psychology.
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