We all think irrationally. Yes, even you!
It’s really easy to notice when someone else is thinking irrationally. What they say sounds illogical. It makes no sense! Even if you try to point out their error in thinking, they don’t get it. They seem locked into their point of view, like they’re blinded to the truth. It can be frustrating. But the truth is that the same thing happens to you.
We all tend to suffer (psychologically) in the same ways and for the same reasons. We ALL share 3 core irrational beliefs that are at the root of our suffering.
APPROVAL—I must be approved of by others to be worthy.
JUDGMENT—Other people must meet my expectations in order to be worthy.
COMFORT—Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience.
These beliefs are like internal RULES that we have for how we, others, and the world “should” behave. The problem is that these rules are TOTALLY BOGUS.
If you’re tired of emotional stress and suffering, it’s time to rip those no-good beliefs out by the root!
By identifying which of these core irrational beliefs YOU tend to fall into the most, you can begin to become aware of the situations in which you apply these bogus rules. You can look out for these beliefs in the stories you tell about yourself, others, and how life “should” be. And, most importantly, you can stop yourself from thinking irrationally and causing yourself unnecessary suffering.
You’ll even be able to spot these beliefs in others! Once you know about them, you’ll see them EVERYWHERE, and the suffering and conflict that runs so rampant will make so much more sense. Let's look at belief 1.
BELIEF #1: APPROVAL—I MUST BE APPROVED OF BY OTHERS TO BE WORTHY.
Need: acceptance, belonging Fear: judgment, rejection Demands: I expect myself to perform well and win approval from all significant others at all times, and if not I am a failure, unworthy, and deserve to suffer.
Symptoms: • Places unrealistic expectations on oneself • Over-concern with what other people think • Achievement and popularity determine self-worth • Self-critical, lack of self-acceptance
Emotional Consequences • Depression, feeling not good enough, unable to express or embrace true self • Anxiety, worry about what others think, being judged • Low confidence, feeling bad about yourself, others disapproval means we are bad, can’t be yourself
Behavioral Consequences • Risk-avoidance, for fear of being judged for failing or being different • Shyness, for fear of being embarrassed • Procrastination, for fear of failure, judgment, risk • Unassertiveness, for fear of rejection or criticism • Workaholism, in order to gain approval
REPLACE WITH THIS RATIONAL BELIEF: I have value as a human being simply because God has declared that I have value. I don't have to prove my value to others in order to be loved or valued.
False Sub-Belief: I need love and approval from EVERYBODY. • Consequence: Stifling of true self, lack of self-love and self-respect. • Truth: Everyone has different tastes and preferences and it is impossible to be loved by everybody.
False Sub-Belief: I must be successful, intelligent and competent in all areas. • Consequence: Preoccupation with proving adequacy, even it if means looking competent when you’re not. • Truth: It is totally natural to be better at some things than others. It is okay to not be good at something.
False Sub-Belief: I must be dependent on other people because they are stronger than I am, and I can’t depend on myself. • Consequence: Leads to unhealthy relationships that burden others and creates attachment based on need rather than genuine love. • Truth: Many people are perfectly capable of doing things on their own but they continue to tell themselves they need others to help them because they are afraid to let go of control of the other person.
False Sub-Belief: My past has made me who I am and will continue to define my future. • Consequence: Continuing to live patterns that do not serve you and failure to reach your potential due to unwillingness to take responsibility for your life. • Truth: When you were younger, you did not understand what was happening, and therefore it impacted your behavior automatically. However, now you have the ability to think about your past and present differently and choose to act differently.
Allow the truth that God declares you valuable to penetrate your thinking and actions. Remind yourself of who God says you are!
Adapted from an article by Joeel & Natalie Rivera
Joeel & Nataile are co-founders of Transformation Academy®, where they train leading-edge entrepreneurs, leaders and life coaches how to master their mindset and create a purpose-driven business. They have started more than a dozen businesses, and trained over 500,000 coaches from 200_ countries and territories. Joeel is a former psychology professor with a Master’s Degree in Counseling and Education is currently completing his dissertation on eudaemonic happiness for a Ph.D. in Psychology.
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