People inevitably hurt us. Sometimes it is on purpose and sometimes it is unintended. The reality is that the end result is pain, and we must decide how we will navigate this moving forward. The common responses to pain are fight or flight - we want to either pull back and self-protect or we want to beat down and beat up the person causing the pain. "I will show them!" I have discovered that my first response is to pull back and want to disconnect but then I spend a lot of time processing it and I find myself deciding to go for the kill instead. I am not sure that either of those responses is correct, but I do believe that there are some steps we must take to come up with what is the correct response.
STEPS:
First of all, we need to not just do a knee-jerk reaction. In our anger do not sin. Take a moment to calm down and just let it breathe.
The next thing is to take it to God. Ask the Holy Spirit to give us His mind regarding the proper action to take.
- I usually find that I must take another step to hear the Holy Spirit more clearly
- I have to talk to someone who can give me a good and godly perspective on the situation. They don't necessarily give me an answer, but they ask the kind of questions I need to be asking in order to hear discern the voice of God.
- During this time, I am asking myself,
"What is God trying to teach me in this situation?"
"What is God wanting to do through me in this situation?"
"What part is my responsibility in this situation?"
In every situation, I know that the Holy Spirit will ask me to forgive the person who caused the hurt but then there are varying steps from there.
- Can I forgive this person without confrontation? Am I able to let it go without involving them?
- If the answer is yes then I move on.
- If the answer is no, I ask,
"Do I need to have an honest and courageous conversation with this person?"
I must choose to do so in love and for the purpose of reconciliation.
- If the person makes a change and acknowledges their part and asks for forgiveness - case closed.
- But what if they do not acknowledge their role? What if they think they did nothing wrong?
In that case, my choices are to follow through on the biblical model of confrontation (Matthew 18:15-17) and if that does not work then treat that person as a stranger until such time as the relationship can be mended.
Closing thought:
I believe that we must do whatever is necessary to avoid a root of bitterness (Hebrews 12:15) - from hurts and offenses - to grow into a tree of unforgiveness and destruction. God demonstrated (and continues to demonstrate) that He is deeply committed to restoring broken relationships and He is always the One making the first move of reconciliation. Let’s do the same!
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